A conversation that I had with my ex-boyfriend earlier this evening is weighing heavily on my mind and has me up at this hour (3:22 AM). We took a run over to Pep Boys together to buy a new bulb for one of my tail lights that blew out and en route home he slowed down, but then ultimately continued passed a beer distributor.

I knew perfectly well that he was headed over to the new girlfriend’s place after popping by mine. Without thinking, he said aloud, “That’s right. She bought a 30-pack on the 4th of July.” I used this as a queue. Is having a girlfriend who will drink with you best for you? I said that I was concerned – that he appears to be drinking more frequently these days.

He responded by arguing to the contrary. He said that he’s drinking less (which I think is a bunch of malarkey, but that’s not what’s keeping me up tonight. It’s this…) He said that whenever he drank while in the relationship with me that he felt guilty. But, I guess now that he’s in a relationship with a girl who doesn’t say boo about it, he drinks less.

So, this is why I’m up; this is what I’m trying to square off in my head. By trying to get him some help and save him from killing himself, I am actually perpetuating the very behavior that I’m trying to get him to stop? That the guilty feelings that bubble up while his butt is firmly planted on that bar stool causes him to do the exact opposite of what I think it should? It causes him to keep drinking?

My oh my. And, to think that I’m a Psychology major! I guess I need to brush up on my Reverse Psychology skills!

Or, maybe I’m dead on; maybe he is full of malarkey.

There have been times in everyone’s life, I’m sure, where you’re presented with the opportunity to make a fresh start – to start with a clean slate. Such an opportunity came knocking in my substance abuser’s life after our recent breakup and he jumped at the chance.

I’m referring to another woman here.

While he was perfectly in the right to move on, I never contemplated such a possibility. Forgive me for saying so, but how does one whose life is such a mess land on his feet so quickly? Or, has he?

I don’t know that this is true for all addicts but he was always one to take the easy way out. He would forgo anything that required effort on his part (like abstinence or working a program). So, it appears as though he chose to move onto another relationship because it’s easier than exerting the effort required to fix what’s broken in ours.

A fellow blogger in the Addiction category raised another valid point in a recent private message to me: Rolling out of my bed and into someone else’s so quickly is addiction at work. [Sex is another way] to self-medicate and avoid reality.

I fear for what will become of him now that he’s no longer under my “protective custody.” Unbeknownst to the new girlfriend, he continues to call me daily and stops by from time to time. From what I can tell, he appears to be drinking more frequently, and although he claims that his new girlfriend is a “social drinker,” I can’t rid my mind of the image of the two of them partying together.

While I have surrendered to the fact that I have absolutely no control over him and his behaviors – and never have – he’s not the only one with opportunities before him. I have an equal opportunity to start with a clean slate, too. By moving on, an end was finally brought to the vicious break-up/make-up cycle that we were caught up in.

This experience has been a painful one for me but something tells me that there’s a blessing in here somewhere.

As we drive through town… and the town to the east of us… and the town to the west of us… my substance abuser often points to commercial buildings and tells me, “I used to work there” and provides a brief little synopsis of the companies industry. It became quickly evident to me that he’s worked everywhere… for a little while.

He’s a good worker… when he shows up. The trouble is that a night of using is typically followed by 24 hours of bed rest (and toilet hugging) and often times his work schedule conflicts with this cycle. So, he calls out of work left and right. But, let’s face it, I don’t care how good of a worker he is, an employer will only put up with this kind of chronic absenteeism for so long.

***

The fundamental mistake that we, as family members or loved ones of the alcoholic, make is to try to run interference for him and save him from himself. It is not until we run that cycle time and again, time and again, that it occurs to us that our actions – even with the best of intentions – are not making the desired impact on the alcoholics behavior, and may very well enable it to continue! Our interference prevents them from hitting bottom, but that’s exactly where they need to hit in order to prompt them to make an effort to save themselves.

***

One day, I crawled under the covers with my boyfriend during the 24 hour bed rest period that followed a night out with his buddies. There, he repeated the words I had heard many times before:

“I’m going to start going to [AA] meetings.”

“I can’t continue living like this.”

Quite impulsively, I tried a soft intervention approach that worked famously. I told him that I was concerned that he was on the path to lose this job due to his record of absenteeism and I reminded him that he seemed to really like this job. It seemed to suit his skill set quite well, so he really excelled at it, and got positive recognition from management, which really did his self-image good.

“I’m not going to lose this job,” he responded. “I’m not going to miss any more days of work due to this bullshit.”

“If you DO lose this job, can we agree that you’ll check yourself into an alcohol treatment facility?”

He was sure that he’d be able to stop drinking and so he agreed.

Approximately three weeks later, he missed another day of work and in his drunken stupor neglected to call his employer to advise them that he wouldn’t be in that day.

That was the last straw; he lost his job.

Three days later, he checked himself into a rehab facility and completed the first 28 days of recovery – the longest duration he had ever been clean and sober in 25 years.

A year later, in a Psychology class, this tactic that I used - quite accidentally! – was presented as an effective means for disciplining adolescents, so there’s many applications to what I’m describing here.

I encourage you to try this approach and see how it works for you:

1) Talk to your alcoholic or adolescent child using a conversational tone. Don’t reprimand. Have the conversation when the recipient is in an unaltered state of mind, but soon after an event that s/he feels remorseful about (such as a day or two after a drinking binge, or, in the case of a child, the morning after he breaks his curfew).

2) Allow the other person to actively partake in the shaping of expectations because it’s important that s/he understand the logic behind it. (For example, I reinforced my knowledge of his enjoyment of the job he was working, and in turn, he focused on the positive feelings he derives from a job that he performs well and didn’t want to let his employer down through continued absences. For the teenager who breaks curfew, you might allow him to help decide what a reasonable curfew is. Using elements such as the time in which it gets dark outside combined with a scary story of the times in which we live, you can easily find ways to help the adolescent arrive at the logical conclusion that the curfew you set originally is the appropriate one)

3) The conversation should also include a collaborative discussion on consequences should the behavior happen again. This is key. Alcoholics and children need reminding that there are consequences to their actions and it helps for them to know what they are up-front because I guarantee you, it WILL come to their mind the next time they’re out drinking, or for the adolescent, staying out late. When my boyfriend lost his job, he knew exactly what was going to happen next. Again, the key here is that they're active participants in deciding their fate.

Alcohol treatment facilities and Al-Anon literature encourage you to think of alcoholism as a disease much like diabetes. At first blush, it appears to be an irrational comparison, but I think the point here is that an alcoholic will always have problems with alcohol, just as a diabetic will always have a problem with sugar – but you can live with these diseases – both are manageable.

Anyone who loves a diabetic would want that person to be mindful of his diet, to seek medical care and do whatever is in his power to get better. And, the same holds true of our expectations of alcoholics. The disease of alcoholism does not preclude him from responsibility for his actions. The diabetic may have no control over his blood sugar, just as the alcoholic has no control over his blood alcohol content once he indulges in that forbidden snack or drink, but he does have control over whether or not he takes that first bite or sip. He makes that decision in an unaltered state of mind, doesn’t he?

My substance abuser continues to "slip up." I saw something interesting in his actions leading up to a recent incident. Months ago, he learned that he’s not a good candidate for a debit card, as having 24/7 access to his money made his temptations all too easy to quench. So, he cut it up. But recently, a curious thing happened. A new debit card “magically” appeared in the mail. He actually went to the bank and requested a new one knowing perfectly well what his intentions were. That’s like hosing the front sidewalk down with water in freezing temperatures – he set himself up for the slip and fall.

There are days, such as this, that it’s damn hard to sympathize - and it's hard not to be angry! - with the man who’s hugging the toilet bowl instead of hugging me. It’s tough to buy into his apology when he was clearly planning this slip-up for days in advance. He should have been salting that sidewalk instead of hosing it down. He made that decision in an unaltered state of mind.

One day, back in the early part of our relationship, I asked my boyfriend if he considers himself an alcoholic. I knew full well that we was. I was just curious to see how he'd reply to such a question coming from a relatively new girlfriend. He said yes.

I replied, "Yes, what? Say it out loud."

"Yes, I'm an alcoholic."

I'm a firm believer that healing comes with the telling of your story. Even if the other person doesn't have anything particularly enlightening to say, often times you lighten your load by just hearing yourself say the words out loud. Or, in the case of blogstream.com, putting it all out there for the world to read.

Shortly after my boyfriend and I had the above conversation, I bought him a notebook and urged him to write a journal entry every night before bed.

This morning, a book that I bought a couple months ago, but haven't yet read, caught my eye when I entered my home office. In the first moments of picking it up, here's what I read in the very first paragraph under the Acknowledgments heading:

"Writing constitutes, for me, the pursuit of an altered state. The act of writing is soothing, in itself, to the soul that lusts after knowledge and self-understanding, and is compelled to find an empathetic junction with other like souls. However, I know that I also seek, in the constant, conscious effort to organize my thoughts for a reader, a transformation. I wait for those rare and precious moments when I am able to dip below the level of conscious thought and touch some unifying insight, swelling just below the surface of my awareness."

So, tell your story. There's healing in it. Keep blogging!

Wood, Barbara L. (1992). Raising healthy children in an alcoholic home (pp. 9), New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company.